Lauren Goodger: DVD Review
Lauren Goodger for a while there was having a modern day equivalent of a Bridget Jones phase. Her face was carrying with it the pain of bad boyfriends, white wine and consolatory carbs. The American tabloids refer to this as ‘carb face’.
Her pre workout DVD promotional shots embody all of us in someway who have ever piled on the pounds. I have a close network of girlfriends across two continents and I have learned a painful fact. Women are divided into two camps: those with willpower and those without. The thin are thin for a reason. Thin girls don’t drink Diet Coke and consider skinny lattes to be an actual meal replacement. They drink water and Americanos. Never buy a work out video from a ‘naturally’ thin woman if you aren’t one. By her own admission, Lauren has said she was drinking and eating too much. I think her painful pre-workout photographs and honesty are going to drive her straight to the best sellers’ list.
She ate out almost twice a day and didn’t exercise, which is actually an easy place to find yourself if you are working long days away from the home. She estimated at her worst she was consuming up to 5,000 calories a day in food and alcohol.
She’s slimmed down from a size 18 to a size 10 and lost a whopping four stone by working out four to five times a week, which she built up to over time. Reassuringly, she’s not on a crazy diet, just eating normal healthy food, which includes poached eggs on toast, porridge and jacket potatoes. She used to eat a lot of chocolate and processed fried foods, which she has cut out.
So, with admiration for Lauren Goodger’s new (heavily contoured) chiseled cheekbones and her disappearing dimpled bum now tauter than a gluten free bun, I decided to review her DVD. This has caused much amusement among acquaintances. However, I have held a secret candle for reality TV stars since Jade Goody possibly saved my life. Her tragic death prompted me to check on smear results taken 16 months earlier at a posh private doctor just off Sloane Square. I had just assumed no news was good news. However, Jade’s passing prompted me to double check and I discovered not only had they never received the results, the results when chased up indicated cancerous cells. Fortunately it was dealt with rather swiftly and all is fine. I am sure I am not alone in being grateful to Jade Goody, may she rest in peace.
Back to miss Goodger. She looks undeniably amazing. She also looks genuinely euphoric in a nice ‘let’s hear it for the sister hood way’. The moment you load the DVD the answer behind how she got there is evident. A bionic blonde sidekick with the most amazing body you have ever seen with a physique that is part athlete, part dancer – toned to Jessica Ennis proportions. Some sleuthing revealed her name is actually Lisa Whelan. She is a professional contemporary and Latin dancer, personal trainer to Olympic athletes, master tabata trainer and body sculptor. Emma Louise Burrows, who is 8 months pregnant in the video, runs her own fitness firm called ELB Studio offering VIP personal training with a focus on plyometrics, HIIT and core. Its business Facebook page has quotes on it like “don’t be upset by the results you didn’t get with the work you haven’t done.” I don’t think either of them would take any prisoners.
It is a fantastic workout and it’s the type of stuff all the hot young things like Millie Mackintosh and co are doing in cool sweaty studios in London and posting on instagram. I will be up front and declare here that in a 90s aerobics class the instructor was confounded by my lack of co-ordination and suggested in front of the class, using a rude pointy finger to clear up any ambiguity as to who he was referring to, that maybe I “just choose the arms..or the legs, but probably not try both together.” I am writing this from a low base of co-ordination although I would consider myself reasonably fit.
There is some footage of Lauren when she first started working out with the trainers. It you are worried about how you look; your lack of fitness and/or technique, you will find it reassuring to see a wobbly Lauren wobble her way down into a lunge and up again. Cut to svelte Lauren confidently transitioning from plank to burpees and you can see how far she has come.
The DVD’s music, although not awful, is a little bit average, although I like the warm down song a lot. One person I know said once she works out the moves after a few viewings of any workout DVD she turns the volume down and then turns up her own. The routine itself is screaming out for some production budget busting Beyoncé and Rhianna, so that is not a bad idea. There is a smidge of cheerful twerking or bum-popping that makes you feel laughably ludicrous if you are pushing 40. Moves with names like ‘the sexy strut’ and ‘the showgirl’ (more wholesomely Rockette’s than strip club) remind you of its Essex provenance.
It’s fairly evident Lauren has had some spray tan contouring but frankly I think most of us could benefit from that. She owns her own fake tan company called Lauren’s Way and I think she’s missed a stonkingly obvious opportunity in the intro to tell us all how to just forgo the workout and simulate a thigh gap and a thinner waist using her products. Maybe one for the next DVD. The ungenerous among you might find yourself at the beginning questioning whether or not she’s had some lipo, but by the time you have been reduced to a wheezing, sweaty mess at the end it’s rather evident that she earned that hot body.
In the interests of research I did the workout with a qualified personal trainer and she agreed that our bodies were being worked out in all the areas where Lauren’s body has made great gains. It features all the moves that would give you the bottom of a Brazilian carnival dancer in a thong. I don’t think it is your best choice of starter DVD for getting fit, which is echoed in some of the Amazon reviews, but I think if you can run for 25 minutes and want to really tone up for summer, it will deliver.
You will need more floor space than the average workout, as it is full of lunges, planks and long backward kicks. The planks are quite tricky, so just muddle through on the basic version (provided by the pregnant trainer Emma) until you work up to the next level of competency.
There is one very early plank which might have been better at the end of the robust warm-up, but other than that it is a brilliant workout. The stretching segment is one of the best I have done, and actually relates really well to the earlier exercises, which many other DVDs don’t achieve. The best part about it is that you have a nice tingly all over body feeling for the rest of the day, as if there has been a full muscle roll call. Glutes: present; Abs: present; biceps: present – yet you can still walk.
If you do one thing for yourself in the lead up to summer, buy this DVD and stick with it twice a week. You just need you, the DVD and some floor space. As the pros says, don’t be upset by the results you didn’t get with the work you haven’t done.